yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
