ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
