So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
