Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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