I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
