It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
