This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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