We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Farmville is her only friend.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
MIDGETS
????
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
