yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
