matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
