She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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