Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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