you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
