What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
