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God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
