Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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