My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
