Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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