Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
