My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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