his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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