Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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