you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
