The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
