THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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