This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
