Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
