Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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