I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
