I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
