The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I like shiny stuff tho if thatโs an emotion
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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