FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
