I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
