I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
