Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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