It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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