I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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