you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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