Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
