As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
