I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i permit you to call me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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