Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
