He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
