I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
