I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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