I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
