Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
