and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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