You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
