my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
